A dutiful daughter. Ready to listen to her mother’s complains at any time of the day or night. And not only listen, but also help financially, cheer her up with a new item or a trip. Never a disappointment.
The ideal mother. One who raises her daughter with total dedication, who prepares her lunch box to school every morning, who helps her with her homework every evening, and who puts her to bed at night after hearing about all her school worries. Financially, she supports her daughter on her own.
Understanding ex-wife. Demanding nothing from her ex-husband. Neither money for the child nor parental responsibilities. After all, the poor ex is already battling with his inner demons, he’s having a hard time without that.
A productive and loyal employee. Ready to bite anyone’s throat and get into a fight with the whole world for the sake of her employer’s company. An Employee who doesn’t count working hours, weekends, holidays. An Employee who’s never asking for a raise or bonus. After all, the company is in constant financial crisis and is going through a tough times again and again.
A compassionate friend. Listening day or night to her friends’ unsuccessful love stories, comforting them, not sparing advice or help. The door of her house and her fridge are always open to every tearful soul.
A Strong Woman!
Yes, that was me. I was proud of my strength. I can do anything! I can solve all of these problems and more!
Until one day, six years ago, a demon named Panic Attack knocked on my door. What does a Strong Woman do in such a case? She takes a pill and moves on. Panic attacks were invented for weak people and overall I have no time for such nonsense! Without me, the world will collapse!
Then the demon Panic Attack starts to come more often, bringing with it a bunch of crap: dizziness, heart palpitations, a constant backache, or something else.
A Strong woman is used to solving problems, so she immediately starts seeing all possible doctors and having all possible tests. And the answer is the same everywhere – perfectly healthy! And when there were no more doctors left, Strong Woman had to open the door to a psychotherapist’s office.
For a few sessions, the therapist listened to my stories about how strong I was, how I had no problems, and how all my worries were related to my duties and my work. She listened patiently to what a Strong Woman, a Dutiful Daughter, an Ideal Mother, a Productive and Loyal Employee, an Understanding Ex-Wife and a Compassionate Friend I am. In one session, the psychotherapist asked me: where is your egoism? You are dealing with other people’s moods, wishes, demands and expectations. Where are your desires, anger, frustration, irritability, bad moods? When I replied that I was doing fine, she sighed and said, “but you understand that you are human and that you have the right to feel anger, fear, anxiety, just like all humans? You have a right to be in a bad mood, to not want to communicate, to be tired, to say no or to feel anger even at the people closest to you. You have a right to put yourself and your feelings first and yet not be a bad person.”
“So you mean I need to be selfish? You want me to be selfish and guilt free?” I widened my eyes. “Yes. You have the same right to feel bad, rude, ugly feelings as everyone else on this Earth,” said the therapist “if you call it selfishness, let it be selfishness”. That day a revolution took place in my head. And my new path began – the path of becoming a legally selfish person. This blog is about what a legally selfish person does, thinks and lives. Legally selfish, because I have permission to be one. Doctor’s permission!
L.